Helping Children Cope with Grief

By Kristen Lavery, MHS Psychologist

As we begin a new year, it’s as important as ever to remember the millions of kids across our country coping with grief. In fact, one in 12 children in the U.S. will experience the death of a parent or sibling before they turn 18. This is equivalent to roughly 8% of our child population—a number that doesn’t account for other deaths (such as those of grandparents, close family members, or pets) or non-death losses including divorce, incarceration, or family separation.

Grief is a universal process, one we all will experience at some point. Yet, as adults, it can often feel uncomfortable and scary to talk about, especially with kids. We may worry so much about what to do or say to someone who is grieving that we don’t do or say anything at all, effectively turning away when we’re needed most. Children, in particular, may feel like their grief is invisible to those around them, or they may think their grief is on full display, rendering them different from their peers in a way that’s obvious yet unspoken.

The reality is that many of us adults either weren’t taught how to navigate our own grief or may hold onto perceptions about grief that are rooted in misinformation. While children show grief in a variety of ways, they learn how to express and cope with emotions by watching adults around them and rely on their caregivers to provide them with the tools they need. Trying to be “strong” in these moments may inadvertently send a message to children that the way to cope with grief is to ignore their own “big” feelings.

The way grief manifests will evolve over time; this includes a child’s understanding of the concept of death as well as the behavioral, emotional, physical, and cognitive symptoms we may see. The way grief looks for a preschooler is going to be quite different when that same child is a teenager—this implies that that same child may still be processing their loss years later.

Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and there is no linear process that we move through in order to reach the “end” of our grief. Instead, we integrate that loss into our life, with the understanding that our grief can be activated by major life events, anniversaries or special occasions, or developmental milestones. Even a certain sound, a specific smell, or a chance encounter with someone who resembles our lost loved one can cause intense feelings and memories to resurface. Regardless of age, we need to recognize that when children don’t have the words to express their grief, their behavior is their communication. If you notice a change from a child’s typical demeanor, or there are concerns for safety, you should seek additional support.

Additionally, while it is often well-intended, there can be a tendency for adults to avoid talking about death as a way to protect a child, fearing that calling too much attention to grief will make it worse. However, this avoidance can create confusion and distrust over time—or link a sense of shame to all the complex emotions that are part of the grieving process. Not talking about grief actually fails to protect us from experiencing grief; it only leaves us to grieve alone.

That’s why it’s essential to establish open lines of communication and create a safe space for children to express themselves. Be honest and straightforward by providing enough information for a child to understand what happened, without giving so many details that you risk causing further distress. Use clear, age-appropriate language rather than euphemisms. Why? Children are very literal and phrases like “they are gone, sleeping, or passed away” can cause more confusion. Allow kids to ask questions and remember that you don’t have to have all the answers. It’s best to be honest and let children know that you’ll help them find the information they’re looking for. Their questions may be repeated as they continue to process what they’re being told. When we’re not open and honest, children will begin to fill in the gaps with their imagination.

Keep in mind, too, that loss is the event: the death, the separation, the significant change that happened. Grief is everything that comes after: the complex emotional, physical, and behavioral responses and the process of learning to live with the loss.

While grief is a personal process, it’s a universal experience. Acknowledging this allows us to create a sense of community and hope. While hope doesn’t erase the loss, it grows alongside it. Oftentimes, simply the presence of a supportive adult can be the hope a child needs to move forward.